Reaction vs. Response: Why the Difference Matters

Imagine standing in line for a concert. You try to entertain yourself while waiting by scrolling through your news feed and friends’ social media posts. When you lift your gaze for a quick break, you notice a guy trying to cut in line a few spots ahead of where you are.

What’s your next move?

Do you confront the rule breaker? Will you try to get the attention of other concertgoers who aren’t paying attention? Or will you just ignore it, and assume the people closer to him will handle the situation?

Some react by doing either of the first two options, regardless of the possibility of starting a fight or causing a misunderstanding. Others take their time before responding because they don’t know the whole story.

Our “reactions” and “responses” may seem synonymous, but as you can see from this scenario, there’s a world of difference between the two. Let’s discuss why it is critical to distinguish reactions from responses and how you can use this knowledge to change your feedback mechanisms for the better.

Reactions vs. Responses

A reaction is highly influenced by the unconscious part of the brain. It doesn’t require much thinking at all. It happens instantly because it’s a product of your collective experiences, beliefs, and perceptions.

When you react, you may also be driven by your survival instincts. That’s why many of our reactions can be classified as either offensive or defensive.

For example, in the scenario described above, shouting immediately at the line cutter would be an aggressive reaction. You didn’t take the time to consider why he seemingly broke the rules. You’re not interested to know his side of the story because you perceive his actions as offensive to you. It might have happened to you before or perhaps you witnessed it happening to someone else.

If you react this way, there’s also a high chance that you aren’t thinking about its long-term consequences. You want to express your judgment and outrage, even if it might get you thrown out of the venue because you created a commotion or instigated a fight.

Now, let’s compare this with a response.  Though some may say the two are the same, they are on the opposite sides of the spectrum.

A response involves the higher-brain functions of your conscious mind. You make an effort to interpret the moment and form feedback rooted in reason, personal values, and expectations of what will happen in the future.

Looking at the earlier example, waiting for more information indicates that you intend to formulate a response. Asking the guy to explain himself can be your response to the situation. Even choosing to ignore the line cutter is considered a response. You made the conscious decision not to confront the person because your core values do not require you to step in and resolve the situation. It may not be the right call, but it is pre-mediated and consistent with your goals to avoid conflicts as much as possible.

Is One Better than the Other?

In most cases, a response serves our interests better than a reaction.

By considering how your words and actions might affect you and the people around you, the chance of achieving your goals becomes higher

Reacting in a certain way might make you feel better in that moment—for example, venting your frustrations caused by line cutters. But will you feel pleased if the other person reacted in the same aggressive way you did? Perhaps … if you enjoy being the center of attention.

However, if you want to maintain order while waiting in line, do you think yelling at a stranger is the best course of action? Do you believe that calling out others without knowing the complete details of the situation will lead to the outcome you desire?

This doesn’t mean that you should never react. After all, these impulses stem from our natural defensive mechanisms. If you touch something extremely hot, you don’t have to think about whether or not you should move your hand away. Your unconscious mind recognizes the sensation as dangerous, and you should listen to it.  

In social and, indeed, commercial situations, however, reactions lead to mistakes or regret because they are triggered by our fears, anger, disgust, or other intense emotions. We let them overpower rationality and restraint, and they leave us to face the consequences on our own.

Understanding Your Reactions

Though reactions feel instinctual, they can be stopped and controlled. The process begins by recognizing how reactions are formed in the first place.

As mentioned earlier, the unconscious mind has a massive influence on the way you react.

But here’s the thing.

Our unconscious mind is shaped by various external forces, including our family and friends, schools, religious organizations, and the media. Over time and with regular exposure, we become conditioned to accept their beliefs, attitudes, prejudices, and culture as our own.

The unconscious mind starts agreeing only with ideas and actions aligned with what we have been “taught” to do, even if we didn’t notice it happening at the time. For instance, you become limited by societal norms on what men and women should be. You acknowledge only the “truths” of your religion, political affiliation, or community.

And since the main purpose of the unconscious mind is to ensure our survival, anything that goes against our conditioning must be avoided or eliminated.

Therefore, when you react to the line cutter by shouting at him, your unconscious mind recognizes his actions as threatening the rules it abides by.

We can also be conditioned by the traumatic experiences we have gone through. The way we handled a trauma the first time it happened to us laid out the pattern for our reactions to anything that resembled that first instance.

For example, someone cut in line while you were in the cafeteria, waiting for your turn to avail of the free sundae. You didn’t do anything to stop him, and he ended up getting the last cone. The injustice and missed opportunity left an indelible mark on your unconscious mind. So, whenever you spot a line cutter, you cannot hold yourself back from reacting negatively.

How to Replace Reactions with Responses

When you become aware of the nature of your reactions, you can start working on controlling them and replacing them with the appropriate responses that will take you closer to your goals.

To do this, think about the typical situations or trigger points of your reactions. By being aware of them, you will have a higher chance of controlling your feedback system.

For example, I used to react poorly whenever I felt hungry. If someone annoyed me by talking too much while I was in that state, I didn’t see any problem letting them know how irritating they were. If my boss gave me a task sometime before lunch, I would tune her out and let my thoughts wander instead.

When I recognized how problematic my reactions were due to hunger, I decided to stop those self-destructive ways.

I would stop myself from lashing out at my friends because I understood that it was my discomfort that was making me feel irritable. Though it felt weird at first, I opted to politely excuse myself from the conversation or invited them to talk with me while having lunch together instead.

So now – whenever I’m feeling puckish – I’ll snack on something—some nuts or a bit of chocolate—to focus better on my work and be a better listener to my boss, customers, and co-workers.

Of course, it didn’t feel natural during the first few days after I decided to change for the better. But with regular practice and self-reminders, I drove out my adverse reactions and made enough room for me to develop better responses.

Key Takeaways

Reactions are part of what makes us unique individuals. They arise how the unconscious mind has been conditioned by our upbringing, surroundings, and experiences. Some lead to positive outcomes, while others take away our control of the situation.

On the other hand, our responses show that we can be mindful of our inner selves and how we can affect others. They make us feel empowered and accountable for our thoughts and decisions.

We can replace the reactions that do not serve us well with responses more reflective of our growth and development. The key is gaining awareness of our reactions and stopping them long enough for us to process what’s happening at the moment. It does not have to last several minutes—even a few seconds of pause may be enough to make all the difference you need to take a step closer toward the right direction.  

Please feel free to share your thoughts about reactions and responses with me at any time!